she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
