i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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