So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
