i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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