my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
