Ambien. No doubt about it.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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