But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
