I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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