he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
