Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's shark week go big or go home
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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