i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
