my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
