I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
