Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
