I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
