after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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