It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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