My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
