But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
