On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just googled if crying burns calories
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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