Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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