Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
