Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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