Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
