i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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