you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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