just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
