neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
