She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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