my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
