Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
