I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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