when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
