what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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