what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
