u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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