Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
