so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
