I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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