Welp...herpes.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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