My underwear smells like fireworks.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
