I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
are you so shy because you have an std?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I need water and some morals
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
