i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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