I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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