Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We left the knife in your bed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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