did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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