So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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