I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
