a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
