It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
