I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
