Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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