theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
