I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
so much tequila, so little girl.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
