I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
