the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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