This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
