I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I touched a dick in church today
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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