my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
