could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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