if i can run in heels then i can drive
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
