dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
