hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Randomize
